My dog...

...is a huge pest.


Cody – aka The World’s Least Scary German Shepherd – bugs me in a big way.

He molts fur at every change of season; brushing only seems to encourage the shedding. If I could, I’d wear tweed clothes 12 months a year. I could be a millionaire 2 times over with the money I’ve spent on lint rollers and dog hair removers.

He will eat ANYTHING (except grapes for some reason) and that includes alien organic matter that has been moldering in the woods for God knows how long, as well as the usual gross things that dogs will eat should they be given the chance.

I guess it’s moot to mention the dragon breath that can accompany these feasts?

He follows me *everywhere*. The laundry room – check. The kitchen – double check (there’s the potential of a treat hanging in the balance, so he likes to cover his bases). The bathroom, the bedroom, the dining room – check, check, and checkity-check. Did I mention that if he strategically places himself in my house, he can see me in just about every one of these venues without even moving his paws?

He is an inveterate “arm flipper”. You know what I mean. You’re sitting at the dinner table, enjoying a lovely glass of wine, or perhaps you’re in that early-morning haze that is half-sleep, half-awareness, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a big furry tank head jacks your arm up and either (A) sends your wine spraying across the table setting, or (B) rudely wakes you up at 6AM on a Sunday morning. There is rarely an emergency involved; it usually means he’d like a head scratchy please – and right now.

He eats like the Green Bay Packers during summer training camp.

Even though there is never, ever a remote chance in hell that he’ll catch one (and really, as I ask him repeatedly – what would he do if he ever actually *did* catch one?), he barks at deer like they are Tatars and he’s Ghengis Khan.

I have to employ a dog sitter, as I have a job that entails a 100-mile daily round-trip commute. Staying overnight anywhere, or God forbid – planning an entire week’s vacation – become nightmares of logistics and budgets.

He engages in what I fondly term “recreational barking”. This usually occurs during the spring/summer/early fall months, when the house windows are opened. Informal statistics indicate that the average time of occurrence would be 3:17 AM on a weekday morning. He has an uncanny ability to know exactly when you’ve just reached the REM stage of sleep, and will issue one sharp, loud bark. This will jolt you bolt upright and awake, at which time he will fall asleep and start snoring, while you try to fall back asleep for the remaining 2 hours until your alarm will go off.

If the weather is bad – raining, snowing, sleeting, humid, plague of locusts – it will take him 48 minutes to “take care of business”. If it’s a crisp, sunny fall day, or a temperate summer afternoon, it will only take him 3.5 minutes.

In short, he’s an expensive, time-consuming, shedding, logistical annoyance – and I love him so much.

But even on his absolute worst days… or on *my* absolute worst days, there is not a chance in Hell that I’d do to Cody what this waste of human flesh did do his German shepherd:

http://www.mcall.com/news/breaking/mc-poconos-dog-shot-cruelty-20110621,0,2130631.story

Cody has done this exactly *once* in the entire 9 years I have had him, and that was because he was violently sick while I was out grocery shopping. Every dog I have ever had – ever – has always made their need to go out very plainly and very vocally known. Even if they had relieved themselves in my house…I just can’t even begin to understand the psychopathic personality required to do this to an animal.

I called the arresting agency – the Pocono Mountain Regional Police Department – and asked when they planned on getting around to charging Mister Wonderful here with some sort of crime, and I was told “well…the officer hasn’t gotten around to completing the report”. Fabulous! You know, I’m no tree-hugging bleeding heart Liberal, but aren’t they concerned that the next time Senor Charming here picks up a gun, it might be aimed at a human? God forbid he should be around children being potty-trained.

If you’d like to voice your opinion to the PMRPD – here’s the phone number – 570.895.2400. Please be polite to the nice lady who answers the phone; I imagine she’s going to have a rough few days.

Oh – and Cody, the World’s Least Scary German Shepherd would love to have the opportunity to demonstrate to Mr Daniel Stevens of Coolbaugh Township, PA, exactly how much of an act that Least Scary thing really is. Let us know when you’re free, and when you aren’t hiding behind a firearm.