...Dating Over 50

...it ain't for sissies.

On the 60s spy-com, Get Smart, CONTROL agents utilized a device called the Cone of Silence when they wanted to speak privately.  The gag was that once the cones were in place, neither party could hear the other (you have to trust me that the TV series was eminently funnier and wittier than the Steve Carrell movie)

Now that I have turned 50 – I’ll be 52 in June, actually - I have found that I too, have what might be a CONTROL device.  I call it the “Veil of Invisibility”.  It renders me invisible to men.  While that could have its upside, I’m still trying to determine what that might be.  It makes dating (both the online and offline varieties) kinda difficult.

Online dating is not for the faint-hearted.  It has its own language and social minefields.

•   The first thing I learned is that “looking for a woman who takes care of herself” translates to the King’s English as “must be a size 2 and wear a 44DD bra”.  Why don’t you just say that?  We size 16 women know exactly what you’re on about and we promise not to bother you.  (It’s an easy promise to keep, because we know exactly what you’re like otherwise)

 me - busy not "taking care of" myself

•   Any male over the age of about 17 who makes that dopey two-fingered “gangsta” sign in their profile picture should be incarcerated and forced to live with people who have some actual experience with the lifestyle associated with that gesture.  C’mon.  You’re 51.

•   You are not “divorced” if your wife “spends a lot of time at your place” and you “go on vacations together with the boys”.  The boys in question are 17 and 22.  Not 7 and 2, but 17 and 22.  If she’s that great of a gal, I think you should remarry her.

•   Did you know there’s a male equivalent of the duck-face, cleavage shot in the bathroom mirror?  It’s the one where the guy poses like the Incredible Hulk in front of the mirror in the gym bathroom.  And it’s just as ridiculous as the female version.  Don’t you own a shirt?  Or have a friend who can operate your smartphone camera?  How can I tell what you really look like when you’re straining like a Russian Olympic weightlifter?

•   I don’t need to see photos of your Harley, your ATV, your Mercedes, or you with your arm around Bam Margera.  While I realize buying a Harley is the male equivalent of purchasing a series of Botox injections, it doesn’t impress me.  And the Bam Margera thing definitely doesn’t impress me.  Don’t you have a picture of you and your dog, having fun in the backyard? 

•   “No drama” means “the first time a crisis arises, I’ll be gone so fast it will make your head spin”.  However, the “no drama” rule will immediately be rescinded if you “take care of yourself”

More later, I assure you.  Maybe I should take another tip from Get Smart.  That Hymie the Robot was a nice lookin’ guy…I wonder if there’s a guide to making one in a back issue of Popular Mechanics ?